When I was a little girl my daddy always talked to me as he did when I was a lot older. He would say, “Are you always gonna be daddy’s little girl and never grow up and leave daddy. ” I would say, “No daddy I would never leave you or mommy. ” “Do you promise forever? ” I would always say, “Yes daddy never ever will I leave you. ” I realize now that I did not know what forever meant. I know now that I truly did not know forever would come. It has came and went and I am still depressed as can be.
The tears still flood my eyes when I see something that reminds me of him like a picture or something it just breaks me into. I am hurting still. I wish forever would never had come. I would have stayed little my whole life through, but I know now that forever has come and I have no daddy still. I hate it with all my heart, as it breaks me. I miss my daddy so much and I wish I had never grown up and could be a child forever. I know that it is just inevitable that this day will come and I will no longer have a mother, just in my heart where my daddy lives and my brothers and sisters lost.
I am truly aching in my heart and I feel, so empty and doing anything to try and fill this empty void. It is worse than a c -section waking up from surgery and having a void where that baby was and no longer feeling her. I felt so empty at that time in my life when the doctor said I was going to die and my baby would never make it. My father came with my mother then and I was hundreds of miles away in the military all alone. I laid in that hospital bed for months trying not to die an not leave a child to take my place. It was horrible when they left and the first time I had seen them together for years.
I was, so glad that they could come but by the time for them to go and I was still where they found me in that hospital all alone. I remember just like yesterday how he looked so very young, and at the end he was like a child just spitting his teeth out and handing them to me to clean them. It was so funny he was glad to see me so I could at least take care of his oral hygiene. I am in great grief and with every song I miss my daddy all day long and I wonder when this hurt will leave me. If ever it does I may feel like breathing again. I sure miss my daddy he was a great mother to me.
He did things like buy me pretty clothes because I was daddy’s little girl even when he had others after me that were his children he still treated me as he loved me. When the other siblings driving him crazy did not obey or they would mistreat him or overstep their boundaries I did never have greed as they did and I know that they must have deep regret, because of the way the look or look down never looking into my eyes to see my breaking and aching heart. I wonder how I can go on and still, I know that I must. I try to get out of this house I feel so empty with out my dad there.
I am sad as I can possibly be even though I did something drastic to change it I still feel so empty. All day long I try and stay busy but at night in my sleep I hear I talk and I am talking to mommy and daddy. My goodness even though I do not remember my dream where I am talking I think my God I was very small to use that language even in a dream. I do not call them mommy and daddy now well daddy I did but mommy is mom. All this whole life has been hard for me and I am sure it is for the others as well at least a couple of them. I just wish i never knew how long forever is and I wish I would not have this time of dread during the holiday.