M I S O P H O N I A, M I S O P H O N I A … Misophonia? Misophonia refers to the irritating, feeling
of rage that takes over someone’s emotions when they hear a low, repetitive sound such as the clicking
of a pen, the tapping of finger nails or even better.. the horrendous sound of someone chewing with
their mouth open. Yes people, that is a real thing. It exists.
Did your parents REAALLYY never teach you to chew with your mouth closed? Really? I honestly
thought that was something we all learnt by the time we were, uh you know, 5? Even though YOU
should be the one apologizing to your classmates, coworkers and fellow train riders.. I’m going to
apologize to you right now because chances are, all this time you’ve had no clue that all those people
sprint at the sight of your daily carrot snack!
I can promise you, no one around you appreciates the sight or the noise of your carrots, bananas, kettle
chips, popcorn, apples, cookies or whatever else it is that you may be chewing, wait sorry,
I’m sorry, is all this talk about snack-food making you hungry..? Well it shouldn’t. I sincerely hope that I
have taken away all the appetite you’ve built up for lunch or dinner with all this talk about your lack of
table manners. Maybe the odd elbow makes an appearance on the table. Or maybe you slouch from
time to time. You know maybe you even forget to put your napkin on your lap at a restaurant. But I
doubt you burp or slurp your drink at the table? So… Tell me what makes it okay for you to chew with
your mouth open…? Anyone…? HA trick question, nothing makes it okay.
Now you may be thinking “Man she’s harsh” but really I’m just telling you what your friends, family,
teachers, boyfriends and girlfriends, sorry EX boyfriends and girlfriends have been afraid to tell you for
years. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason why you’re still single is because your partner
could hear you eating from across the room? It’s quite possible to tell you the truth. I’m sure you’re all
kind hearted, genuinely nice people who deserve romance and life long relationships but that may be
harder to achieve than you know… Yes the disgusting sound puts EVERYONE on edge but what about
the sight? We aren’t animals people, there is absolutely no need for food to be seen once it has entered
our mouths. How do you expect your best friend or significant other to enjoy a nice dinner with you if
all they can see is your chewed up food with the occasional glimpse of your tongue in there? To be
frank you might as well just chew your food and spit it out for the whole world to see.
Your lack of knowledge on your irritating habit might have cost you your last couple relationships. But
I’m crossing my fingers, my toes and my eyes that after you’ve heard everything I have to say… You’ll
NEVER chew with your mouth open again.
Okay so you might be asking yourself questions like “Why haven’t I noticed myself do this before?” or
“How come no one’s ever complained to me about this?” Well I genuinely wish you had noticed this a
LONG time ago because I’m telling you right now, everyone else sure did. And yes, you chewing with
your mouth open is rude and ignorant and ya you should probably feel guilty because you most likely
ruined some amazing steak dinners, sushi plates and fantastic desserts for your friends and family. But
chances are no one ever complained to you because they would feel even worse for pointing out your
Now maybe you’re more of a “I can’t wait to say what I need to say, so I’m going to talk with my mouth
full” kind of person? Not so much a “I don’t know how to chew with my mouth closed” kind of guy?
Well hun, THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE. Either way I can see and hear your food and either way I
really wish I couldn’t. If you really can’t wait to talk, you might as well refrain from eating in the first
place. Or maybe sit in a corner, and eat alone.. away from anyone or anything you may be tempted to
talk to. I’m sorry, I know you’re all social people but if you don’t fix this, you’re going to end up with no
one to be social with.
And seriously everyone, you should be thanking me for this… I hope you know that if you’re talking
with your mouth full, you have a way higher chance of choking. But you guys all knew that right?
You’re all smart and everyone here knows the hymlich maneuver I’m assuming? It would really come in
handy for the talking chewers of the world. Multitasking isn’t doing you ANY favors here…
Maybe you’ve heard the stories about the famous Alicia Silverstone? And how she chewed up her
young child’s food before spitting into his mouth? Does that make you uncomfortable because I am just
as disgusted by that as I am when I see and hear people chewing their food. I get it, she has her own
theories and you do too. But when it comes to table etiquette, let’s keep our morals, values and theories
in our own mouth… If you know what I mean.
Now I know you’re probably not so patiently waiting for me to finish lecturing you about your horrible
habit and you may be currently thinking about things like how you’re going to get rid of it, or maybe
you’re thinking about what you’re mom made for dinner? And oh ya! halloween’s coming up so you
could be thinking about what you’ll be dressed up as while you’re eating the 5 pounds of candy you got
this year? All I want to leave you with is that I sincerely hope that none of you are planning on chewing
or looking cows this halloween.